But James Dalton, who works as a bouncer 1,200 miles away, is so well-known that he doesn’t even have to give a first name. Keep in mind, there were almost certainly bars in 1989 Missouri where the actual actor Patrick Swayze could still go totally unrecognized. The WAITRESS GASPS IN SHOCK, then GIGGLES. If you need anything - anything - you just let me know.ĭALTON smirks and turns away, knowing he’s fucked hotter women than this on his way to fuck some even hotter woman. Make It Clear That Dalton’s Badassery Has Somehow Earned Him Nationwide Fame.ĭalton arrives at the bar, the Double Deuce, and within seconds a waitress starts hitting on him: Just to drive the point home, we see Dalton take off toward Missouri in a brand new Mercedes 560SEC, the shirtless Patrick Swayze of cars.Ģ. “Five thousand up front,” says Dalton, “five hundred a night, cash, you pay all medical expenses.” I did the math and this is the 2020 equivalent of $400K a year. Dalton says that another bouncer, Wade Garrett, is the best, but the man wants Dalton and will pay any price. He wants Dalton to come clean the place up, because he’s the best bouncer in the world. He is soon interrupted by a man in a suit who says he owns a bar in Missouri that is just lousy with brawling thugs. Note: We are still in the opening credit sequence. But Dalton only smirks and walks away, knowing he’s thrashed bigger men than this on his way to thrash some even bigger man.ĭalton sustains a knife wound in the encounter, so he retires shirtlessly to the restroom to sew himself up. He, like everyone in this universe, knows Dalton by name and reputation (“I’ve always wanted to try you! I think I can take you, Dalton!”). The vulva-punter then pulls a knife on Dalton. The first trouble Dalton witnesses - and see if you can detect the subtle symbolism here - is an unruly patron suddenly kicking a woman in the vagina: We’re in a huge, upscale bar where our hero works as the lead bouncer. “This one’s got plenty of spank fuel for you and your girl! Hell, there’s even a little something for Mom later.” One minute later, we get a close-up of some titties, just to drive the point home. Road House literally opens with the title superimposed on a woman’s ass: Establish That Dalton Has Reached The Apex Of The World’s Most Heterosexual Profession. To achieve this mission, Road House masterfully executes a 7-point plan:ġ. So, Patrick Swayze teamed up with a director named, no shit, Rowdy Herrington to reclaim his masculinity with a film that would launch with the tagline, “The dancing’s over. A guy like that needs male asses in the seats and no insecure teenage boy would be caught dead watching something as gay as a movie about a man who has sex with women but also dances. This, of course, was a problem for any actor with action star aspirations. “But what does this have to do with the American male’s chronic dong insecurity, aside from literally everything you just described?” Here’s where you have to understand the Swayze-specific context for this film: he was coming off a starring role in Dirty Dancing, an international sensation so popular with women that writers kept referring to it as “ the Star Wars for girls,” because that phrase didn’t used to bury an author under an avalanche of death threats from anime avatars. Before it’s over, there will be two massive explosions, a monster truck rampage and Dalton will have murdered six men with his bare hands. Swayze’s bouncer character, James Dalton, rides in to clean up a bar in a small town that is living under the thumb of a sadistic tycoon. … and instead of beauty shots of frontier vistas, we get lingering close-ups of Patrick Swayze’s nude ass. The plot isn’t particularly relevant to our discussion today it’s a standard Western, adapted for the era by upgrading the Stetsons to porntacular feathered mullets … It co-stars Sam Elliott, the Road House of actors, and takes place in Missouri, the 1989 of American states. Road House, for those of you who’ve never seen it and thus have a hole in your personality in the exact shape of the movie Road House, is the 1989 Patrick Swayze action movie in which he plays a famous bouncer in a universe in which that is apparently a thing. Order Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick or watch this three-minute video that explains everything. Note: Jason’s new book IS ACTUALLY OUT NOW. This is my third and possibly final column in the series I’m calling, “How The Eighties Convinced Men They Could Murder Their Way To A Bigger Cock, Inadvertently Causing All Of Our Problems Today” ( 1, 2) and let’s just say there’s a reason historians refer to the eighties as the Road House of decades. Citizen Kane is the Road House of newspaper movies. Road House is not the Citizen Kane of bouncer movies.
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